*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Aight bet
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*