cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Animal poetry
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
wow he looks just like him
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*