*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed