beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question