Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.