I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
brian had himself a morning…
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee