[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
no!! no!!!!!!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)