Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
All excellent questions
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys