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I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.