mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“A little help here, Danny?”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.