The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Customer is always right
#dnd #ttrpg
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”