Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I ate everything, including the H.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.