me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
i spent way too long on this
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
how high up are we talkin’?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.