Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*