I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.