“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Danger is very dangerous
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail