As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
58.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Ain’t no way
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Simple
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.