12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”