This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?