ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?