Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
pictures of spider-man
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
thank god the sign was there