7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.