To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
You Might Also Like
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.