DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
seems like a niche market
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
that de-escalated quickly
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.