My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play