Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
It was worth a shot 😂
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.