Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.