Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim