I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.