Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
relationship goals
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH