*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.