boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Found the job I’m suited for
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Running from your problems is cardio .
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.