words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.