Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you