[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.