She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
(yawn)
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Haha! 😂
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.