there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook