The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
BETRAYAL
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?