People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy