I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.