Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht