sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.