Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
True
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.