“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from