“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.