I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
That’s incredible! 👌
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?