My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.