ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Terribly Tuesday.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.