Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Best spot.. 😅
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER