The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
This is why I hate group projects
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”